I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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