i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
