How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
