Your face is a jimmy john
that's an acceptable place to lick
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize