I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
