So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
