well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I am available for nakedness
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
