We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize