my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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