I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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