I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
