Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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