we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
