So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
