There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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