Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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