Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
