battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
