And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
