literally had 100 drinks last night.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
