Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
