i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
