He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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