Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
