Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Someone signed my nipple.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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