Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
