i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
where are my eyebrows?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
His nipple licking is glorious
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