There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
