We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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