there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
