we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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