it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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