Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
