Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
