hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
