I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize