Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
