she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
