Someone shit on the floor
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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