there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Boobs speak an international language.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
