I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
