Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
