I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
