I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
