remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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