mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize