I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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