Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
