Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
