Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
