All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
