Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
