yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
did you just send me my own nude
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize