my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
