You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
