she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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