you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
being pregnant is like rehab
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
