He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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