I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
