Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
