I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
