Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
