we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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