Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
