my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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