is your mom at the bar?
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
