why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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