Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
