I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
